Resume Mistakes

These are as they have appeared on actual resumes. Misspellings and typos included.

• 
  
• “I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
• “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”

• Job Duties: “Answer phones, file papers, respond to customer e-mails, take odors.”
• Interests: “Gossiping.”
• Favorite Activities: “Playing trivia games. I am a repository of worthless knowledge.”
• Skills: “I can type without looking at thekeyboard.”
• Experience: “Chapter president, 1887-1992.”
• Experience: “Demonstrated ability in multi-tasting.”
• Experience: “I’m a hard worker, etc.”
• Languages: “Speak English and Spinach.”
• Reason for leaving: “I thought the world was coming to an end.”
• Additional skills: “I am a Notary Republic.”
• Skills: “I have integrity so I will not steal office supplies and take them home.”
• Skills: “I have technical skills that will take your breath away.”
• Qualifications: “I have guts, drive, ambition and heart, which is probably more than a lot of the drones that you have working for you.”
• Objective: “I need money because I have bills to pay and I would like to have a life, go out partying, please my young wife with gifts, and have a menu entrée consisting of more than soup.”
• Qualifications: “Twin sister has accounting degree.”
• Experience: “Have not yet been abducted by aliens.”
• Skills: “Written communication = 3 years; verbal communication = 5 years.”
• Objective: “I would like to work for a company that is very lax when it comes to tardiness.”
• Education: “I possess a moderate educatin but willing to learn more.”
• Education: “Have repeated courses repeatedly.”
• Salary requirements: “The higher the better.”
• Salary desired: “Starting over due to recent bankruptcies. Need large bonus when starting job.”
• Bad traits: “I am very bad about time and don’t mind admitting it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. What does make sense is that I do the job. Any company that insists upon rigid time schedules will find me a nightmare.”
• References: “Bill, Tom, Eric. But I don’t know their phone numbers.”
• Personal: “I limit important relationships to people who want to do what I want them to do.”
• Objective: “Student today. Vice president tomarrow.”
• Accomplishments: “Brought in a balloon artist to entertain the team.”
• Application: Why should an employer hire you? “I bring doughnuts on Friday.”
• Achievements: “First runner-up for Miss Fort Worth, 1982.”
• Reason for leaving: “Pushed aside so the vice president’s girlfriend could steal my job.”
• Special skills: “I’ve got a Ph.D. in human feelings.”

• Reason for leaving last job: “Bounty hunting was outlawed in my state.”
• Experience: “Any interruption in employment is due to being unemployed.”
• Objective: “To become Overlord of the Galaxy!”
• Objective: “What I’m looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money.”
• Experience: “Child care provider: Organized activities; prepared lunches and snakes.”
• Objective: “My dream job would be as a professional baseball player, but since I can’t do that, I’ll settle on being an accountant.”
• Awards: “National record for eating 45 eggs in two minutes.”
• “I am a ‘neat nut’ with a reputation for being hardnosed. I have no patience for sloppywork, carelessmistakes and theft of companytime.”
• Experience: “Provide Custer Service.”
• Experience: “I was brought in as a turnaround consultant to help turn the company around.”
• Work experience: “Responsibilities included checking customers out.”
• Work experience: “Maintained files and reports, did data processing, cashed employees’ paychecks.”
• Educational background: “Highschool was a incredible experience.”
• Resume: “A great management team that has patents with its workers.”
• Cover letter: “Experienced in all faucets of accounting.”
• Objective: “I am anxious to use my exiting skills.”
• Personal: “I am loyal and know when to keep my big mouth shut.”
• Job duties: “Filing, billing, printing and coping.”
• Application: “Q: In what local areas do you prefer to work? A: Smoking.”
• Reason for leaving: “Terminated after saying, ‘It would be a blessing to be fired.’”
• Personal: “My family is willing to relocate. However not to New England (too cold) and not to Southern California (earthquakes). Indianapolis or Chicago would be fine. My youngest prefers Orlando’s proximity to Disney World.”
• Resume: “I have a lifetime’s worth of technical expertise (I wasn’t born – my mother simply chose ‘eject child’ from the special menu.”
• Resume: “Spent several years in the United States Navel Reserve.”
• Qualifications: “I have extensive experience with foreign accents.”
• References: “Please do not contact my immediate supervisor at the company. My colleagues will give me a better reference.”
• “Worked in a consulting office where I carried out my own accountant.”
• Accomplishments: “My contributions on product launches were based on dreams that I had.”
• Career: “I have worked with restraints for the past two years.”
• Experience: “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.”
• Education: “I have a bachelorette degree in computers.”