What am I?

I am for the death penalty. I'm not entirely sure where I sit on abortion. I agree that it should be an option, I just don't like that it is used as birth control. I'm against tax credits to the wealthy. I'm for the legalization of marijuana. I'm against gay marriage. I'm against the war in the Middle East, but I'm patriotic and support our troops. I've never collected unemployment. I've never collected welfare. I don't have a 'baby's mamma' anywhere. I used to be a smoker, but if I see you smoking within 50 feet of a public entrance then you are going to hear about it. I'm against gun control, but will never own a gun. I've never watched a football game in my life, but would love to go if my son was playing. I can't stand country music, but have owned boots and a hat. I don't believe it is right that a man can serve in a war and shoot people for a living and die for his country before he is old enough to buy beer in the US. I'm a Christian, but can also speak intelligently about the beliefs of half a dozen other religions and agree with many of them. I would kill and die for my beliefs, but I really can't say there is one organized religion out there that would support me in all of them. I got married before I had kids and won't ever be married to anyone else. I'm comfortable with monogamy and believe children should be raised by two parents. I chew sunflower seeds, would main vein cherry coke if I could, eat sugar by the bucket, could live on Tootsie Rolls and nachos, and believe Taco Bell is one of the food groups. I don't vote. I don't read the paper. I'm not on Facebook. I don't forward chain emails. I may already be a millionaire. I'm the lost heir to the deposed king of Nigeria. I believe my sons should grow up to be men and my daughter should grow up to be single and innocent her entire life lest somebody hurts her and I'm forced to do something against the Geneva Convention. If I was in charge then I would round up everybody with an accent and have them prove they have a right to be in my country. I would pull the troops out of Iraq and post them along the border with instructions to shoot to kill. I would deputize all law enforcement personnel as immigration agents.

So my question is... what am I? Am I a democrat? A republican? Liberal or conservative? I would die for my beliefs in these things and would never support someone who didn't feel the same way. How could I vote for someone who believe in what I oppose even if we were on the same page in certain areas? It it really about picking the least of the evils? Would you put someone into office who would take away what you value most while fighting for your right to value them? My political views are a conundrum.

I only wrote this to think out loud. Someone baited me into talking politics today and they were clearly passionate about being political. My blase attitude about voting and getting involved in the community offended him on some level. I just honestly believe that no political figure is at all interested in me and my needs. I'm a minority among minorities. I'm a married, straight, middle class, white male who actually cares about my credit score. I pay my bills on time. I've never missed a mortgage payment. I'm not in debt. My vehicles are fuel efficient and funtional. My house is clean and not infested with whatever bugs or disease filthy houses have. I mow my lawn and pull my weeds. I don't rely on the government to solve my problems, because frankly... I don't think they are capable of solving anything. I believe America is a terrorist country based on actions we have taken abroad. We invade and force our beliefs on others and I will not support politicians who endorse that kind of thing, even though I support our troops who have to fight. I have no idea where I would fit in the political definitions people like to attach to their beliefs, but I can say that I don't agree with anybody. I'm happy being independent in my beliefs and thoughts. The next person who wants to get in a political debate with me is going to get punched in the throat or worse.

God bless America. The king is dead. Long live the king.