So it is currently about 3:30 in the morning on Saturday, August 20th, 2016. I've had six hours of sleep in the last 2 days and I'm a little sleepy. For some reason the spell check isn't working in Chrome right now and whatever part of my brain knows why isn't working right now. So the following post is a creation of a sleep deprived brain and no spell check. Good luck reading it.
On Tuesday my little sister called me and told me that our mom was really sick. She is battling cancer right now and she wound up in the hospital after chemo. Her problem is that she gets infections very easily. Add that to the fact that chemo supresses your imune system and it is a formula for hospitalization. The problem is compounded by the fact that she came in with pneumonia. It's just not a good deal. So I'm sitting there at work on Tuesday looking for flights from Salt Lake to Hartford as soon as possible. That turned out to be on Wednesday morning. Allison didn't say we were circling the wagons or anything, but when you tell me that someone who has he medical history of my mother has pneumonia and now her kidneys are shutting down, there isn't much to think about.
I flew out at 7:20 on Wednesday morning on the most direct path I could find to Connecticut. Hartford ended up being the best spot to land, so that's where I went. My dad picked me up at about 3:30 that afternoon and drove back to his house so I could take his car back to the hospital. I don't know the geography here at all, but wherever Hartford is it is like 30 minutes from my dad's house. He is kind of in the middle of the state and Milford, where my mom is, is somewhere south of that. The GPS in his car took me basically straight through town to get there. It was about an hour of driving even though it was only 20 or 30 miles away. That's fine. The drivers here scare me and I'd rather not miss an exit and get totally lost.
I got here and Mike was in the room with my mom. She was pretty out of it, but I had a chance to talk to her a little bit. She wasn't talking well because of the medicine they give her to help her relax. Her speech was really slurred. It sort of sounded like somoene who just got back from the dentist and their tounge was still numb. She was very puffy beause she is retaining fluids that her failing kidneys can't process out of her body. I didn't get to talk with her for very long before the nurses needed to move her around a bit, so Mike and I went to a waiting room to chat for a bit. He gave me the bare truth of the situation. It wasn't a good prognosis.
...Just about fell asleep there for a second. It's a really good thing I'm not driving right now. In fact, that is one of the reasons I'm still here. If I had to drive back to mom's house right now I would probably crash on the side of the road. But if I curl up on the couch here and mom needs some ice chips or something, then basically I would feel like a jerk for not being able to stay awake. This is sort of a really wrong metaphor, but I feel like the situation when Jesus went to the garden and kept coming back to wake the apostles up. How bad must he have felt that he was going through so much agony and he just wanted his friends to be there to support him and they couldn't even stay awake. He was down there paying for their sins so they could return home and they couldn't even stay awake to be there sending him good vibes. That had to hurt a little. So if my mom needs me then I'm going to be here for her. I actually did the math a minute ago (no small feat even when i'm wide awake) and I calculate that I'm the same age as she was when I had my anurysm (boy, spell check would be useful right now). We went to Brigham to see Joe about the bump in my hand and literally 3 hours later I was in Ogden being prepped for surgery. They told her it would take about 2 hours and it wound up being more than 6 hours. She wasn't prepared to sit in a hospital all night, so she didn't even have a book. She just had to sit in a waiting room with nothing to do for 6 hours while I got the nap of my life. Then when I came out of surgery she got to be in the room with me while I recovered from it. Everytime I opened my eyes she was there. There isn't anything she wouldn't have stood by my side through and now it is my turn. I didn't think when I was going through that experience that when I would get to be her age that I would have to sit at her bedside as she died slowly of random organ failure.
Anyway, back to my week. So thursday she wasn't doing well in the afternoon, but when I went back to her room later after talking with mike for awhile she seemed to perk up quite a bit. She said to come back on thursday and she would be better to talk. No problem. I decided to let her get some sleep, so I left and went out in the parking lot. I called my dad to give him the update. That began angst number 1 of this trip. I asked if he was going to come out and see her, but he said he wouldn't. I didn't get that at all. I realize she isn't his wife anymore, but techincally she still is because they didn't get a temple divorce. They were sealed in the temple and that has to count for something. I would break out of prison and swim the Gulf of Mexico to be with Jennifer if she was in this bad of shape, but that isn't what he feels he has to do at this point. I didn't get that and it really made me mad for awhile. I'll get back to that later.
Then I called Jennifer to see how everything was. I talked to the kids for a bit and let them know nana got their letters and she appreciated them.
Oh, wait... I forgot that on Tuesday I called someone in Grace to get Margo's number so I could tell her the situation and give her a chance to talk to her one last time. That happened and I'm glad that she was able to do that. Margo was like a sister to my mom and she really needed the chance to do that. I'm glad she did.
Ok, so I'm talking to Jennifer for a while after talking to my dad and that took up some time. Then I drove to my mom's house and just sort of walked in. It was past midnight at this point, but I couldn't just lay down and go to sleep. Mike got home at some point and showed me down to the basement. that is a really cool place they built down there. we chatted a bit more and he told me I could sleep on the couch. Not the best sleeping couch I've ever been on... they are like theater seats, so you can't really stretch out on it. There are hard arm rests between the chairs, so basically I had to sleep on two theater chairs and not really a couch. it was super late and I was pretty wiped out, so i figured I probably wouldn't notice. Uh, yeah... I noticed. Anyway, I got a couple hours of sleep at least.
The cleaning ladies got there early and I heard more footsteps, so I got up around 8 and went upstairs to see who was there. It was Dustin. Angie, Bryan, and the boys were also there, but they were still asleep. Actually, everybody was there still sleeping.
I talked to dustin for a bit until Allison came over. Honestly my memory of what happened on thursday morning is kind of fuzy. It is about a quarter after 4 now, so maybe that has something to do with it.
When Angie and company got up and about we just sort of hung out at the house for a bit. we took some pictures and reminded each other that we were all still pretty crazy.
Dustin needed to get some work shoes and wanted to visit mom too, so I went with him and we came back to the hospital. She was out of it again like she was when I got here. She hadn't gotten better and had actually gotten worse. She let me give her a blessing though, so that was nice.
we went from there to friendly's, which is kind of a leatherby's type restaraunt. Again, we proved that we were crazy. they started seating people as far from our table as possible. Angie's family, Allison, me, my dad, and barbara were all there. we took more pictures.
We I went back to mom's house with angie and we stayed up talking for way too long. Like way too long... I had work to do still and was hoping to get it done, but tired and accuracy don't mix. I did what I could and went to bed at about 5:30 a.m. I got up around 9:30 when Mike called and said she was worse and it was time to start getting people to the hospita.
Ok, I'm tired. It is a quarter after five now and I'm definitely having a hard time keeping my eyes open. the problem is that her room is like 50 degrees and all the lights are off. Oh, and I'm tired, so there is that...
So Friday comes and we get a call at early thirty (like maybe 9) from Mike that she is worse and it is time to circle the wagons. Everybody needs to find a time to get here if they want to see her. Spoiler alert: it was not quite that time yet. Either way, Angie and I headed to the hospital. Well, after a shower first. I was feeling like a greaseball for sure.
We got here and were able to talk to Mike for a bit about how she is doing as she sort of went in and out of conciousness. The problem now is that her bowels are shutting down due to lack of oxygen and that is a terrible sign. There isn't a recovery for that usually. The kidneys they can work with, but once the digestive tract fails you can start watching the clock because it isn't days anymore.
So now we wait, I guess. The problem is that she is so uncomfortable. At least, that's the problem for me. I know what it is like to just hurt and not be able to do anything about it. I've got the problems in my joints and I know how sucky it is to be laying there and just feel nothing but general pain. It's not pain like 'i've been shot and the bullet hole hurts'. It's pain like 'I've been sunburned all over and everything hurts'. Or 'i've fallen down the stairs and everything hurts' type pain. She is able to say it hurts in her chest and it hurts in her stomach, but that is because there is fluid in her lungs and her intestinal tract is dying. We can continue to bail her out for the rest of her life, but that's no life. Dialysis is pretty hard on the body and long term treatment pretty much wrecks you. The hope is that it will jump start the kidneys, but that hasn't happened yet and probably won't. It doesn't matter anyway because there is no dialysis for your digestion.
Everybody came over Friday night at around 6. It was good to be with everybody and Mike told them all what has been happening and what the options are going forward. We are all really clear on what she wants. The question right now is how long do we let her suffer? If she continues to have organs fail and she is in constant pain and discomfort then Mike is going to have her loaded up with morphine and stop the treatments. She'll be comfortably numb as her lungs fill with fluid and the burden of trying to breathe through that causes her heart to give out and she dies. Not the best way to go, but apparently they don't have key lime pie here.
I stayed with her last night because that is what she would do for me. At around 3 she was pretty alert and we were able to talk. I told her some things that happened in the news and she grasped it all. I know how important being caught up on current events is to her and now she has the scoop. Everytime she opened her eyes and looked around I was able to be right there to get her ice or move her blankets around or do whatever she needed. The nurses only come in when the button is pressed, and there is no reason she should have to do that. It's 7:00 now and other than some 10 minute snoozes I can say I was up with her all night just like she has done for me many times. I didn't do it so I could tell everybody else that I love her more because I was willing to sacrifice sleep to be with her or anything like that. I was able to do it and any one of them would have done the same thing if they were able, but jobs and travel and life makes it hard. If she were in a hospital in Salt Lake then I would have similar restrictions where someone who took off work to fly in wouldn't.
Anyway, I don't feel sadness that her time is here. Two weeks from now I'll be driving to work chatting her ears off. She'll be with our zoo of pets that I know she misses. Theresa will no doubt come to get her and show her around. She has family that she loved so much that is already there waiting for her and she has such an adventure ahead of her. She won't have any of the disabilities that kept her from doing the things she wants to do in this life. She'll be able to not only watch my kids grow up, but she'll be able to be guardian angels to them and to my grand children. She'll be able to see the successes I have that in the past I've only been able to tell her about after the fact. Her trials will be done and all that is left to do is wait for the judges to score her performance. Sure, she made mistakes. A crap ton of them. But so have I and so have you and so has everybody else on this planet. The difference is that she was able to help raise like 10 kids and none of us are in prison. We are well functioning positive contributors to society with jobs and families and pretty amazing memories of our childhoods. The woman that is dying on the bed next to me isn't the same woman who raised be, but she was apparently able to do just as good of a job in this new personality as she was in the old one AND she did it while battling her own body at the same time. I don't want to put her on a pedastal or anything, because she definitely made some pretty bad decisions, but nobody could ask for a better mom. I grew up with the best parents and feel very blessed to have had that experience.
Mom, if they have wifi in heaven and you are reading this, I just want to tell you again that I love you even though I've been an ungrateful SOB. (kind of a backhanded compliment now that I think about what an SOB is, but you know what I mean) You were the best mom you could be with a kid as challenging as I was. You worked your ass off to try and keep me on the path to something good. I know I disapointed you on a fairly regular basis, but in the end I think you did a pretty good job and I turned out OK. Do me a favor though. I don't want you following me around too closely. I still make mistakes on a daily basis and I don't really want you to see me disappoint you again. Even if it isn't possible for you to be disappointed anymore, I'll feel like I've disappointed myself. I'll let you know when I need to talk to you and get some advice, but for the most part, try to just turn your head when I'm about to do something wrong. That will help me. And please watch my kids. I would love for you to be a guardian angel for them and do whatever it is you are allowed to do. Don't haunt their apartments or anything, but enjoy watching them grow up and be the litle 'mini-me's of Jennifer and I that they are turning out to be. They are good kids and my only regret right now is that you didn't get to know them better. I understand why and I get it, but just like I missed my opportunity to get to know Mike (who is really a great guy, by the way) or his other kids, I think there have been some definite misses that we both could have done better to avoid. Anyway, you know what I'm saying. Go watch them when I'm about to cut someone off in traffic because I guarantee you that they will be more fun to watch than me. :) Say hi to everybody for me. Give Riki and Cookie and Sissy and everybody lots of loves for me. Get to know some of the pets I don't have yet and tell them to be nice to me. :) I'll see you again soon and I know everything with work itself out. I'm looking forward to being a family again. I'll miss you, but I know you aren't gone. I'm so glad you don't have to suffer anymore. It has to be absolutely amazing.
I win it for $51 with free shipping! You can't beat that! I figured
even if it was a cheap Chinese sissy bar then I at least got it for a
good deal.
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